Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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