My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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