I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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