I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
