While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
