Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
