someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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