his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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