I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
