so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
