remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them Iām an artist.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
