watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
