I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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