I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
