I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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