Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
