I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
