he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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