Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i drank out of a bidet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
