I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
