No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
