what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
