So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
