He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
