I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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