My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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