nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
What a dumb baby whore.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
