dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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