Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
