I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
