I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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