i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
