New low: just hacked my moms facebook
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wish there were birth control emojis
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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