singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I take back everything I said about communal showers
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
