the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
