so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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