Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I will be naked everywhere
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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