His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
