Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
