Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize