My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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