I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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