My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
