i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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