do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
try to milk me bitch
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