I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
