When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
