Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
