Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize