my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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